From Inmates to Playdates

I spent 7.5 hours in a Cardiologist’s office today.

I am spent.

Which makes no sense because I spent 94% of that time waiting.

The worst part is that I won’t know any results for several days.

I’ll devote a whole post to my Stress Test experience later, but today, I thought I’d write a few letters to crazy people.

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Dear Bully-Kid in the Chick-Fil-A play place:

You should thank your lucky stars that my sweet boy didn’t unload on you. Bullies like you eventually end up in jail. Trust me, I should know. Oh, and when you get there, you’ll find out there is always someone meaner and bigger than you.

Signed,

Alex’s mommy (aka: A ‘retired’ inmate counselor who spent many an hour talking to young punks who should have been taught better)

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Dear Bully-Kid’s Mama,

I understand that kids will be kids, HOWEVER, when you said nothing to your bully brat when he was shoving my sweet boy, I thought maybe you just didn’t see what happened. But when you entered the playpark and your bully brat admitted to punching my son repeatedly, you said NOTHING to my sweet boy or me by way of an apology. You need to get control of your kid.

Sincerely,

A MAD MAMA

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Dear  Caffeine,

Fifty-four hours is a LONG time to be without you. My life just wasn’t conplete without you. I’m glad you’re back in my arms hands.

Love,

Your biggest fan

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Dear Facebook Friend Who Complains About Something Every Single Day,

If it weren’t for my nosy tendencies, I would’ve hidden your statuses a long time ago. With that being said, PLEASE give. it. a. friggin. rest. Oh, and quotation marks are for quoting someone, not for personal rant marks.

Thank you in advance,

A Concerned Facebook Friend

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Dear girl in the bathroom,

Look. I don’t usually get involved in people’s business, but its tough not to when you are sitting in the stall next to me talking loudly on your cell phone. Honey, you deserve better than that jerk. Move yourself along and find a man who will treat you right. He IS out there. Don’t waste your time on that crazy cat. Why would you even ask him where he was all night? If he wasn’t in a hospital, does it really matter?

Do yourself a favor and save yourself some heartache,

The girl in the next stall.

—–

Dear Julie,

The next time you make a special trip into town at 6 PM to attend a memorial service, you *might* consider actually looking at the date when you read the obituary. Otherwise, you might show up at the funeral home and be the ONLY person there. You are such a dork.

Pay Attention Crazy Girl,

Your Silly Self

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Dear Mr. Mailman,

Yesterday, every piece of mail that we received actually belonged to our neighbor. I can’t help but wonder where our mail ended up. Any ideas?

Pay Attention,

The folks in the brown house

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Dear Kohls,

I love y’all. I really do. I consider Kohl’s one of my favorite stores. For that reason, it is NOT necessary to send a daily e-mail reminding me that I can save up to 30% (which by the way I NEVER draw the 30% card) on everything in the store. I always hesitate to provide my e-mail address to retail establishments and this is why.

Enough Already,

A [soon to be not so] loyal patron

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Dear ADT Home Security People,

I am NOT interested in your FREE home security system that will cost me $30. per month. How many times do I have to demand to be removed from your calling list before you actually remove me? I’m about to call the Attorney General on you jokers.

Not playing around,

The girl you call every four days

—-

Who would you write to today?

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