From Inmates to Playdates

Dear New Fangled Samsung 50-inch Plasma Screen:

It is with great sorrow that I write this letter to you today. I have served the McFamily for 10 years and have followed them to each of the four homes they have occupied. I am still in shock that I have been replaced. I have always served with a smile and came on every time they pushed my buttons, so as you can imagine I have no idea what happened. Who cares that I didn’t have a lot of output?

Or a flat screen.

Or a big screen.

Or HD.

Or a fan-cie glass TV stand.

I was old, but quite honestly I still had a lot of good years ahead of me. I planned on growing old right over there in the corner where I’ve sat since we moved in this place almost 6 years ago. I kept the Princess company while she was on bed-rest and didn’t even mind being used in the wee hours of the morning during countless feedings and restless nights. I never complained. Not! One! Time!

They first hinted at replacing me back in May when McDaddy gave The Princess a choice. A surprise destination trip for their 10-year anniversary OR, a 50-inch plasma TV. As you might expect I rejoiced when I saw McDaddy making airline reservations, although I was sure that the TV addict Princess would pick the new TV. Just when I thought they were over the whole new TV thing, McDaddy started yapping about it again on Thanksgiving Day. I swallowed my pride and prepared myself for the very real possibility that they might indeed replace me.

When McDaddy walked through the door without a TV on black Friday, I again felt relieved that I had survived another day. It’s a dog-eat-dog-world and I was thankful this ole’ dog was hanging around.

I should have known something was up when Princess began clearing out the entertainment center today. I tried to tell me myself she was only dusting, but deep down in my screen I knew better. And then, she even took a picture of me and the Young and The Restless this afternoon to commemorate the occasion. I sure as heck won’t miss that dumb show. I’ve listened to The Newmans and The Abbotts rant for 10 years and really, I don’t get the appeal. But what do I know?

I tried to speak up. To beg for a reprieve. But to no avail. Before I knew it, I was being whisked down the steps, banished to the basement and no one seemed to care that I was devastated. I loved my job. Me and Princess got along famously. Even the little boys loved watching me. And I enjoyed watching them giggle at the latest episode of Handy Manny or do the Hot Dog Dance when Mickey Mouse Clubhouse went off. And the karaoke sessions were the best times I ever had. I will miss those two little boogers and I do hope they come downstairs to visit me often.

I hope you are everything they want you to be. Princess loves! the! TV! and she will run you ragged. You should be prepared for American Idol, Extreme 4X4, Dancing With The Stars, Oprah, Criminal Minds, Amazing Race, Desperate Housewives, the Bold and the Beautiful, Judge Judy, The Olympics, Bob the Builder, Survivor, Don’t Forget the Lyrics, and Grey’s Anatomy. Oh yeah, I almost forgot The View. You might as well prepare yourself for that mess. I would suggest high doses of something real strong. You will need it to counteract Joy Behar’s raspy voice.

Oh, and I’ll just go ahead and let you know that Princess sometimes starts pushing buttons that she has no business pushing. When that happens, it is likely that you will do something funky and she will lose her mind go berserk. She will push more buttons in an attempt to make something happen. When that does not work, she will yell for McDaddy to save the day. If this occurs, just hang tight until he can figure things out. He is the brains of the operation and can fix your picture in a matter of seconds. I suspect it will take her awhile to acquaint herself with your features.

Lucky you.

I hope you have a long and prosperous life here at the McResidence. If you need me, I’ll be downstairs. I think you’ll find this place 10 times better than the Sears Warehouse most days. Other days (like when Dr. Phil is dishing out his daily dose of crazy), you’ll wish you could crawl back in your box and get out of dodge.

On top of that, I heard them mention something about hanging you on the wall eventually. That figures. Who wouldn’t love to hang out on the wall? Man, you are one lucky showpiece.

In the meantime, I’ll be downstairs if you should need me for anything. I will make the best of this move and try to get me a little R&R. I haven’t had any of that since back in the day when I hung out in Montgomery Ward waiting to be picked.

Oh well.

Sincerely, The 27-inch Old (but good) RCA TV.

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