From Inmates to Playdates

Archive for the ‘Blog Fodder’ Category

I was recently contacted by CSN Stores about the possibility of reviewing a product or hosting a giveaway. As I have mentioned before, they have over 200 stores and offer just about anything you or I or anyone else for that matter could dream of. They offer thousands of products ranging from rugs, luggage, glassware, furniture, lamps, and dutch ovens. They even have an entire site of pressure washers.

In the near future, I’ll be reviewing another great product.

And maybe, just maybe, I’ll use my charm to persuade the folks at CSN provide a second for a give-away.

Head over to my Review Page to find out more about the product….

On Monday’s, I play a different kind of gig around here and tell you, my loyal readers about some things I definitely did not do.

It’s way better (and cheaper!) than therapy and the way I see it is, if I’m going to do dumb stuff, why not share my dumb stuff?

Y’all know I’m crazy, right?

It was not me who came thisclose to letting out a big-ole squeal in the middle of the preaching at church last evening because the stupid underwire in my bra broke through the cloth and jabbed me in the armpit. Not me, because first of all, I don’t squeal.

Ahem.

I did not get all teary eyed during an episode of Undercover Boss last night. I’m not really a crier and I am definitely not an emotional person.

Oh my word, I love that show.

I did not accidentally steal a data cable from a hotel thinking that it actually belonged to McDaddy.

Oh shoot, y’all, no I did not.

I am not the queen of returning merchandise (that does not hold up to normal wear and tear) and I do not have two pairs of shoes ready to be returned.

I am not  at this very minute trying to figure out how in the heck I could have a stupid fever blister on my lower lip at the end of August.

Nope, not me.

Have a great week, y’all!

Google sends quite a bit of business my way.

I am easily entertained as I read the searches that send people to From Inmates To Playdates. And what better way to entertain you, my loyal readers (all eight of you!), than to share those searches. I’ve picked a few to share this time.

Get a load of these…

Knoxville, Tennessee arrived from search.yahoo.com on “What I Learned At The Funeral Home” by searching for can anyone watch an embalming process.

• Hello, Knoxville! I’m not sure if just anyone can watch an embalming process because its not for just anybody. It takes someone with a lot of quirks a strong stomach to watch the process. It also helps if you have a friend who is a mortician. Good luck with your future funeral home endeavors. I’d love to hear what you think.

Laurel, Mississippi arrived from google.com on “Wow! That’s weird. – From Inmates to Playdates” by searching for i tried to remove milia from my face and there is a deep bleeding hole.

• Laurel, Mississippi, I’m glad you’re here but I’m not glad to hear about your problem with the um, deep bleeding hole . Wow, that’s a new one. It’s not everyday someone announces they have a ‘deep bleeding hole’ just before arriving at FITP, Inc. I must admit that using that milia tool didn’t appear to be too difficult and definitely not that dangerous. I’m sorry to say there’s probably not too much info around here to help with the deep bleeding hole but hearing about yours will definitely cause me to rethink using the tool on my self someday. So thanks so much! Good luck to you!

United States arrived from bing.com on “Letters To Crazy People – From Inmates to Playdates” by searching for crazy jeep people.

• Those crazy jeep people are just that – CRAZY. They get their kicks by driving through creeks, over rocks, and straight up hillsides. They are serious about their jeeps and loyal to their peeps. Oh, and with my level of crazy, I fit right in with them.

Elk City, Oklahoma arrived from google.com on “What I Learned At The Funeral Home” by searching for grossest part of being a funeral director.

• What’s up, Elk City? I have no idea what the grossest part of being a funeral director is because, um, I don’t happen to be one, but the grossest part of the embalming process was definitely aspirating the internal organs with a trocar. If you’re interested, you can certainly visit John T. Google to find out more about that, because there are very few people who want to hear about the actual details of the embalming. Thanks for stopping by!

Fpo, Armed Forces Pacific arrived from google.com on “Today on Guantanamo Bay” by searching for no vacancy windward brig GTMO.

• Fpo Armed Forces Pacific how goes it? There was no room in the inn when I was on Guantanamo Bay back in 2009, because either 1. they have very few jail cells, or 2. they have way too many criminals on the island. Either way, I sure hope you don’t have plans to end up in the brig any time soon. I speak from experience when I say jail is not a place you want to be. Trust me on this one.

Middletown, Delaware arrived from us.yhs.search.yahoo.com on “Feeding Me A Line!” by searching for you sold me a line this time.

• Hey Middletown! You have to be very skeptical about anyone who sells you a line because people will tell you anything. You’d be better off to take your money and run. But hey, thanks for popping in on me and my little blog.

Until next time… 

Google away y’all!

I was going to write about thirteen things that give me the creeps, but then it dawned on me that its likely y’all don’t want to hear about things that give me the creeps, SO, I thought instead I’d let this post serve as a brain dump. That will be a fine end to a long day.

So, in all of  its unedited glory, here are thirteen random things that are rolling around my head today.

1. I have the distinct feeling that my beloved iPhone is dying a S-L-O-W death. It is doing things. Scary things. For instance, when taking the phone away from my ear to hang up after a call, the screen goes completely blank. So blank in fact that the red ‘END CALL’ bar does not show up at the bottom of the screen which means, obviously, that I cannot end phone calls. This happens about every fifth call or so. For some reason when I answer the phone, the caller cannot hear me until I say hello again. Like I said, slow death. I am trying to prepare myself for the possibility that some morning I might wake up to find that it did not survive the night. That will be a sad day indeed.

2. Before the school year started, I had a rational talk with Alex about his morning moods. We spent many a morning last year engaged in battle because something was not going his way. While I can certainly sympathize with throwing a fit when not getting ones way, it gets old very quickly. Plus, I don’t want Stevie’s day to start out that way. So far (three mornings) he has been as pleasant as pleasant can be. I’ve only had to remind him two or three times that ‘we are really working on our morning moods this year, remember’ and without missing a beat, he gathers himself and away we go. It makes my heart smile to know that we are at this point in our relationship because there was a time.

And I’ll leave it at that.

3. When I was in the bathroom gathering the laundry earlier today I noticed the carnage. Apparently the Little Einsteins toothpaste decided it might be fun to pick a fight with my two boys. There was toothpaste on the counter-top. Toothpaste on the toothpaste basket. Toothpaste on the door facing. And enough toothpaste to last the next month on the toothpaste lid. There’s a whole lot I could say about that with the first thing being, “HOW IN THE HECK DID THEY GET TOOTHPAST ON THE DOOR FACING?” The other thing that I have to ask is, “What in the heck is this stuff made of?” It’s like dried plaster once it sits out in the open air for a bit. It took me a good five and a half (I know it should be five and an half, but that’s just not natural for me) minutes to clean the darn toothpaste off of the lid.

[Note to self: Have a talk with the boys explaining the correct procedure for dispensing toothpaste so as not to cause a ruckus in the bathroom.]

4. Stevie is playing baseball on the Wii. The animated version of Derek Jeter is not not nearly as hot as the real version.

5. McDaddy is currently on an airplane flying toward LaGuardia. He left early Sunday morning and after travelling with him for much of the summer, I’ve missed him lots more than usual. I’m glad he’ll be home tonight.

6. While shopping at Kohls today, I saw a tee-shirt with the golden arches on it. It said, ”McLovin”. I was thisclose to purchasing the shirt for McDaddy.

7. I recently discovered that the jail where I used to work now has a facebook page and a twitter handle. Would you believe that both the facebook page and the twitter stream  provides mugshots of each and every person incarcerated at the jail and is updated every 15 minutes. I was a bit shocked to discover this information. Needless to say, I ‘followed’ and ‘liked’ both pages.

8. Have you ever been bored out of your mind ran a toothpick under the keys on your laptop? I was surprised at the amount of stuff (in my case, hair) I found lurking under there.

9. I love Big Brother. I’ve been a fan of the show since the very first season. This season, my favorites are Hayden, Enzo, and Matt. I’m still perplexed about why Brenden would fall for the likes of Rachel. McDaddy has long said that I wouldn’t last a week in the Big Brother house. Still, I’d love to give it a shot.

10. Stevie is having a great time in second grade. I’m thrilled that he has a great teacher and several of his good buddies are in his class. I know it sounds so cliche’ but time is whizzing right past me.

11. I’m hearing a lot of hub-bub about pretzel M&Ms. Me? I’m not a big fan of pretzels and quite frankly it doesn’t get much better than the peanut M&M for me. So, they can keep the coconut, the pretzel, and any other M&M they want to throw out.

12. I am so thankful for the break in the weather. The morning grass is covered with dew, the afternoon sun is refreshing, and the humidity seems to be but a distant memory. I love everything about fall except for the time change. I don’t like the fact that it gets dark so early.

13. McDaddy is planning an off-roading extravaganza on Saturday. I have agreed to go with him. Hopefully I won’t act like a crazy person this time.

But I make no promises where me and the crazy are concerned.

Happy Thursday, y’all!

Y’all know I love a good story.

Especially one that involves some sort of medical drama.

If you’ve been around here for any length of time, you know that I have a had more than my share of medical drama.

Remember the time I had a kidney stone?

And a stroke?

Then, there was the post about the heel spurs.

And let’s please not forget about the disastrous IUD and it’s effects on my blood pressure.

And then of course, there is the Great Ear Infection of 2008. Which actually evolved into the Great Ear Infection of 2009.

And then the Great Ear Aggravation of 2010.

Fast forward to Friday afternoon.

On Friday afternoon, the boys and I set some sort of record as we visited two doctors and got an x-ray all in the span of 90 minutes.

While we were on vacation, Stevie jumped out of the pool and darted up the [wet, concrete] steps.

Within seconds, he let out a squal that made the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up at attention.

I just knew he had busted his head open.

As it turns out, he slipped on the wet, slippery steps and went down on his left cheek.

By the time he got to me, he had a knot on his cheek and it immediately turned blue. Hours later, his eye was black. (This in addition to the other black eye he received at the hands of a cousin, or a shuffleboard stick, or maybe even himself. We’re not real sure how it happened, we just know he spent pretty much the entire week with two black eyes.)

On Thursday, I noticed the bruise was still pretty pronounced with a possible indention in his cheek. I touched it to discover a pea-sized knot just under the skin.

Cue the dramatic music.

Then, he proceeded to tell me that he couldn’t sleep on that side ‘because his cheek hurt too bad’.

And, it was in that second that I kissed “Mother of the Year” goodbye.

Sheesh. Where in the heck have I been that I didn’t know my sweet boy had a knot on his face that was at least three weeks old?

I called his Doctor and just as I suspected, she wanted to see him.

After examining him, she sent him directly for an x-ray citing a possible hematoma, or chipped cheek bone.

Nice.

Then, just after the x-ray, I had an appointment with an ear/nose/throat specialist in an attempt to get to the bottom of my ear drama.

After shoving some sort of suction thing half-way down my ear canal, Doc flipped the switch and for a few minutes I struggled to keep myself still, because, you know, I don’t do well with loud noises and suction things in my ear canals. Then, he flipped another switch and the suction thing blew air and cream and whoknowswhatelse into my eardrum.

Then, he diagnosed me with eczema of the ear.

Yes, you heard me correctly.

Eczema.

Of the ear.

As one might imagine, eczema of the ear is about as aggravating as an indecipherable captcha. Ohmygosh, I HATE those.

I was given a new tube of cream and sent on my way.

Basically, I learned when a child has an injury, it might be more serious than you think which is a very weird thing for me to say, because drama, self diagnosis and I are very good friends. And I usually have the kids diagnosed with some rare skin condition when in reality it is nothing more than a bug-bite.

And then, there is this ear condition that had me convinced after two years that um, I had a bug crawling around deep in my ear canal.

I’m telling you folks, the crazy runs way deep.

Just like the itch.

Linking up for the first time? Click here for the complete carnival rules. Or just read the Cliffs Notes version:

1. Any time this week, publish your What I Learned This Week post on your blog and link back to my blog. The button is optional, but really, why not?

2. Link up with the Mr. Linky form below this info. Please remember to link to your actual WILTW post, not the front page of your blog.

3. Then, visit the other participants to learn what they learned this week. And, for added excitement, comment, comment, comment!

Ok, I think that’s all.

I am PTA President again this year at Stevie’s school, which means I am gearing up for the headaches.

The headache started yesterday with the news that the Vice President of the PTA moved out of district sometime over the summer. And didn’t think it necessary to contact me.

*Insert eye roll here*

Today, I’ll be working with a few mothers as we assemble 600 student handbooks.

It’s back to the PTA grind for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a SAHM and I enjoy being involved. I just don’t really like the headaches.

The headache of begging for help. And sending out desperate pleas. And finding out a PTA officer moved out of district from someone else, mind you, a mere three days before school is set to start.

I am thankful for those who help. And grateful that when there is work to be done there are parents that answer the call.

I’m gearing up for another exciting year as PTA President.

And for those of you who are really interested in all my life has to offer, later today I am off to visit the ear Doctor. I’ve had this nagging itch (for lack of a better term) for the better part of two years in my right ear.

I was advised by this same ear Doctor two years ago to never, ever put another Q-tip in my ear.

Then, he prescribed a cream for my ear that needed to be shoved into my ear canal with a q-tip.

Which sounds like a mixed message to me.

The ‘itch’ or whatever it is has gotten worse and has even caused me to wake myself up at night with my finger jammed half-way to my brain. Or something like that.

My medical Doctor suggested I put a drop of sweet oil in the right ear for two weeks to moisten the ear and allow the wax to build up saying my ear is just too dry. But after four or five times of the sweet oil (which felt like a clump of concrete in my ear), I decided the sweet oil wasn’t working because seriously the sweet oil made my ear itch even more.

Then, I purchased some ear candles at the Amish Flea Market and my friend, Jessica performed the ceremony.

When McDaddy heard that I had purchased ear candles (four for $10.00 in fact), he began singing the tune, “I called the witchdoctor he told me what to do…”

I was sure the ear candles would help my itchy ear because it made total sense to me. The ear candle would draw the dry skin, the wax, or whateverintheheck is in there causing it to itch, OUT.

I flopped myself on the floor and waited, with anticipation, for the candle to burn.

Sadly, the ear candling ceremony did little to cure my ear woes.

But it felt good.

Plus, I could hear something cracklin’ way back in my ear as the candle was burning. As an added bonus, once the candle had burned, Jessica unwrapped the candle to find it full (ear wax, maybe?) of something.

Still.

The itch raged on.

And it continues to do so.

Hopefully, I’ll get a fix.

Between my PTA duties and my ear, obviously, its an exciting life I lead.

Imagine, if you will the following hypothetical (ahem!) situation,

Minutes after arriving home from a three-day mini vacation, you unload your bags, laptop and accompanying paraphernalia in the middle of the  floor, take a quick peek at the Caller ID, listen to the answering machine, grab a bottle of water out of the fridge and head to your office the bathroom.

Because that’s what you do after arriving home after a long trip.

You make a quick stop in your bedroom to shed your clothing – because sweet holy moses you’re sweaty and hot because it’s 183 degrees outside with 99.8% humidity -  and oh my it will feel so much better to use the bathroom without those sticky clothes on.

You park yourself on the potty and hope like heck that maybe, just maybe, you’ll be granted five glorious minutes to sit there in all your naked glory and enjoy the peace before the constant barrage of I’m hungry -hey mom- can I play the Wii- and can I have a drink begin.

And then.

There is  a knock on your front door.

Before you have time to utter a single word, your seven year old goes running to the door because he is a party looking for a place to happen.

He gleefully opens the door and hollers “Hey Ronnie, Come on in!”

Ronnie, your wonderfully helpful next-door-neighbor who is always so great to pick up your mail everytime you’re out of town has noticed that you are back at home and is bringing your mail.

You take a quick look around the bathroom wondering what to do next.

Greeting Ronnie is out of the question because for one you are naked and for two, that would require you to scramble (naked mind you) from the bathroom into your bedroom. A short scramble for sure, but a scramble none the less.

All the while wearing absolutely nothing.

Just a couple feet away from the front door.

You leap up from the potty and say something really dumb, like, “Stevie, mommy will be there in just a second, I’m headed that way!” in an effort to cause confusion and delay because at the time all you think about is your nakedness and what made you ever think it was a good idea to go to the bathroom without your clothes on.

As is always the case, Stevie unleashes into some big windy tail about our trip to Kentucky - and ohmygosh the hotel pool was so cold we froze to death – hey, is this our mail, thanks for bringing it over – and oh, daddy is getting our camper because we’re going camping this weekend – and mommy didn’t answer the door because she is naked in the bathroom – oh my word this child talks more than his mother, I’m sure of it!

Well, maybe he left that last part out, but heavenstobetsy, I was sure holding my breath waiting for the information to be offered.

Did I mention that I was on in the potty?

And I was naked?

Before I could muster the nerve to slide out of the bathroom and into our bedroom to get some clothes on, I heard Stevie saying goodbye to Ronnie and then the door closed.

I exhaled and quickly made my way to my bedroom to get dressed. After that, I high-tailed it into the living room to have a talk with Stevie about inviting people in without first making sure that mommy is fully clothed checking with me.

And considered what a theatrical spectacle this could have been, had it not been, um, purely hypothetical.

This post is linked to me Not Me! Monday over at MckMama‘s place.

Back in 1997, just after graduation from college, McDaddy took a position with Honeywell.

In Ashland, Kentucky.

It was about an hours drive from West Virgnia, yet, for the first year of our married lives, we called it home.

And since we’re back in Kentucky visiting this week and I’m fresh out of ideas for Thursday Thirteen, I thought, hey, why not?

So, I present to you thirteen things you should know about the great state of Kentucky.

1. McDaddy and I were residents of Flatwoods, Kentucky for one year. We lived here (in the middle townhouse) and our phone number was 836-8365.

2. Flatwoods, Kentucky is the home of Billy Ray Cyrus. There is a sign stating so. The year we lived there, he was the grand marshall of the Christmas parade.

Mullet and all.

3. Last night, the McFamily ate at Tumbleweed in Maysville, Kentucky. There is a smoking and a non-smoking section at the restaurant. I think smoke is nasty. Smoke in a restaurant is doubly nasty.

Kentucky, you need to do away with that smoking in a restaurant business.

4. Pikeville annually leads the nation in per capita consumption of Pepsi-Cola.

Well, that’s fun.

5. Post-It Notes are manufactured exclusively in Cynthiana, Kentucky. The exact number made annually of these popular notes though is a trade secret.

The fact that it’s a ‘trade secret’ makes me want to know it even more.

6. More than $6 billion worth of gold is held in the underground vaults of Fort Knox. This is the largest amount of gold stored anywhere in the world.

7. The Chevy Corvette (McDaddy’s favorite automobile) is manufactured in Bowling Green, Kentucky. In fact there is also a Corvette Museum there, too.

8. When we lived in Kentucky, I was the human resources officer for a company called PCI (Primary Colors Incorporated) which manufactured the color blue. Technically, they manufactured blue dye which was used in textiles, paints, and anything else you can think of that is the color blue, but before working there, it never dawned on me to think about how colors were made. Inevitably, the blue dye was everywhere. (When a person *ahem* sneezed the debris inside the tissue had a blue tint to it.)

Sick, but true.

9. The first cheeseburger was served in Kentucky, but I can’t recall where.

10. The first KFC was in Corbin, Kentucky.

11. Maysville, Kentucky (where we are currently staying) is home to George Clooney’s family. George co-owns Maysville Productions which is housed on the Warner Brothers lot.

12. The song ‘Happy Birthday To You’ was written by two sisters (kindergarten teachers) from Louisville, Kentucky. The tune is the most recognized song in the English language.

13. Steven Curtis Chapman is from Paducah, Kentucky. Oh, and just in case you are wondering, he is an awesome performer.

Happy Thursday, y’all!

Well look who’s arriving late to the party!

Better late than never, I guess.

First off, I hate to be late.

For anything.

If this is your first visit to ‘From Inmates To Playdates’, I’d like to welcome you to my humble abode. I dish out a daily dose of crazy here everyday and I’d love for you to have a look around. I am a quirky girl who loves Jesus, her fellas, the Saturn Sky, and Dr. Pepper.

That whole Inmates to Playdates thing up there? Before hanging up my handcuffs to be a stay-at-home-mom, I was an inmate counselor in Jail. Oh, and just for the record, I did not find love in the jail, I only worked there. Now that we have that out of the way you can breath a sigh of relief and read on.

I am 36 and am married to McDaddy who happens to be the most patient man on the planet. He is a control systems genius engineer and also a member of the WV Air National Guard. He was recently deployed for six months to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba where he diligently protected our butts, our freedoms and whatever else needed protecting. I talk about him often here at Inmates and I am so proud to be his wife.

Oh, and did I mention he is hot?

I have a seven-year old son named Stevie. He is a cool kid who loves Transformers, Lightning McQueen, Monster Trucks and his beloved DS. He is one of the sweetest kids I’ve ever known and I’m not at all just saying that because he is mine. He is thoughtful, polite and loving. (He’s also very smart but I don’t want to sound like one of those mothers).

I also have a four-year old son named Alex. He has two speeds. Asleep. And wide open. It is comical to watch him in action. He loves to run, jump, climb and bulldoze. He also likes Transformers, Lightning McQueen, Monster Trucks and his Leapster. He is sweet, stubborn independent and cute as a button.

My boys are the joy of my life and I am thankful for the privilege of being a [stay-at-home] mother. Even though I always thought I would have a daughter, I am thrilled that my boys are the best of friends and wonderful playmates.

As my tag-line reads, I am a self proclaimed princess who gave up a career in corrections for stay-at-home-mom royalty. I have a truck-load of quirks and I am gifted in the art of conversation. Just ask anybody. I enjoyed my time in jail very much but I enjoy motherhood even more.

This blog is like a bag of chex mix. Sometimes you get a boring ole raisin and sometimes you get the M&M. Either way, it is my life.

I have talked at length about my funeral, the fun I had while riding in a police car, watching an embalming, and even pap smears. Some days I talk about my sweet boys, my hubby or my Jesus.

Feel free to look around and enjoy my daily dose of crazy. Believe me, there is plenty to go around. Thanks for hopping by.

Carry On!

A big thanks to Robin over at Pensieve for hosting this shin-dig!

That girl is from Charleston, WV

So is this girl,

That girl no doubt has a nanny, maid, and chauffeur to tend to her business.
This girl is the nanny, the maid and the chauffeur and tends to lots of business.

That girl has been on the cover of Parade Magazine.
This girl has marched in a Parade.

That girl played saxophone in the marching band and graduated in 1990.
This girl played saxophone in the marching band and graduated in 1992 from a neighboring high school.

That girl starred in “Dude, Where’s My Car?”.
This girl asks “Dude, Where’s My Car?” everytime she parks at the mall.

That girl has won countless Emmys and Golden Globes for Best Performance by an actress in a television series – Drama.
This girl has countless performances daily which include drama, usually while watching a television series.

That girl has loads of money.
This girl has loads of laundry.

That girl has photographers frequently following her every move.
This girl has been known to photograph herself frequently.

That girl is beautiful and has 2 big dimples.
This girl is beautiful and has 2 big dimples in her thighs.

As much as that girl has, this girl wouldn’t trade places with her for anything.