Just Like Castrating A Calf

I hit the ground running, early this morning and am JUST NOW at this very moment getting to sit down and relax. (And if you know me, you know that by early, I meant before 10 AM.)

There are four laundry baskets overflowing with clean clothes at my feet, but instead of folding them, I decided to write a blog post. Does anyone really care if our “draws” are wrinkled?

Earlier, I mentioned to McDaddy that my sister-in-law and I tried to watch the Wild Wonderful Whites of West Virginia on Netflix this weekend, but for some reason the TiVo is no longer on speaking terms with our internet connection, and in the world of people who know anything about technology, basically, that means that Houston, we have a problem.

All I know is, that in three short days my TiVo will no longer be recording the shows I have on my daily docket unless McDaddy can work some magic over there in that corner.

I am sitting here on the big, blue, bloggy couch freezing, but I don’t dare say one word about it to McDaddy because yesterday morning I woke up to a 77 degree house (SEVENTY SEVEN, AS IN ALMOST EIGHTY!) and I frantically texted McDaddy to ask if there was something wrong with the thermostat. Much to my dismay, he texted me back and said something about it not being hot enough outside for the air to kick on, but the humidity outside was making it [miserably] hot inside, and all I heard was blah, blah, blah, because I was busy wiping sweat beads from my brow and holy hallelujah, why can’t we just TURN THE FRIGGER DOWN?

Oh, and I forgot to mention I also had a huge, honkin’ zit on my left eyebrow that ached every time I wiped the sweat.

What am I? Fourteen, again?

Between the huge, honkin’ zit and my crazy fit, it’s probably pretty obvious that the tenth of each month should be declared a national day of disaster around here.

And maybe the eleventh, too.

At any rate, I’d rather sit here with my teeth chattering, than reach for a blanket.

With the exception of a death in my family, I had an awesome weekend.

And now McDaddy has busted out the iPad in an attempt to figure out how to re-acquaint the TiVo and the Router.

A few weeks ago, McDaddy mentioned something to me about rock-climbing. He had heard from one of his brothers that there was a really cool place a few hours away, and after a little research, thought he’d ask his dad and brother if they were interested in going. Next thing I knew McDaddy had confirmed that both brothers, his dad, his sister, and our friend Brian were all going on the rock-climbing excursion.

My reply was, make sure your life insurance is paid up and ROCK ON dude!

Pun intended.

In the meantime, my sister-in-law Michelle and I concocted a plan for her and her four kids to stay at our house while the fellas went to climb some rocks. Stevie had his last ball game of the season on Saturday and Alex had all-star practice on Friday night, but we live literally two minutes from the baseball field and so I was pretty sure them staying with us – even on this busy weekend – would work out just fine.

So, on Friday, Michelle and her van full of kids pulled into my driveway and we had as much fun as two moms with six kids could have. Before becoming a Stay-At-Home-Mom, she was a Physician’s Assistant for a cardiologist here in town. She has four kids, but LOOKS LIKE she’s fifteen years old. She dresses like she just stepped out of Vogue. In fact, my nick-name for her is June Cleaver. She is beautiful on the inside and out.

See, I told you.

June Cleaver.

Remember I said she has FOUR kids.

And she never raises her voice.

When we made a quick trip to Home Goods, she wore this cute little yellow skirt with a fashionable top that I wouldn’t even know to wear together. I had on my black Yoga pants (which have never seen the first yoga class, mind you!) my baseball mom sweat shirt and wore flip-flops because I have an ingrown toe-nail that hurts like you know what when I cram this foot into a tennis shoe.

Michelle is hot.

I am a hot mess.

Anyway, so June Cleaver and I went to the Home Goods. She herded all four kids in and out with ease and patience and never raised her voice not one time – and I don’t think I even heard her ever say STOP, QUIT or DO YOU WANT ME TO BUST YOU?

On top of that, she did minor surgery while she was here. Right in my darn dining room.

I’ve had two skin-tags for a number of months right on my waist line.

Sheesh. Who admits that on their blog?

Unfortunately, she left her Doctor bag at home, but when I mentioned I had two skin tags and asked if she could take them off, she was all, I’ll need something sharp, some alcohol, and some gauze.

Next thing I knew, McDaddy emerged from the basement steps yielding a crazy-shaped razor blade and Michelle began wiping it down with alcohol. I pulled down my waist band, exposed my midsection, and before I knew what was happening, June Cleaver in her hot little yellow skirt was sawing away at my skin-tag. I say “sawing” because McDaddy’s razor turned out to be not the sharpest razor in the medicine cabinet or wherever he dug it out of. It hurt like crazy, but seeing as how Michelle was saving me a couple hundred bucks, I couldn’t complain.

Yes, that might be a first.

A few months back, my friend, Cindy suggested I tie a piece of dental floss or thread around the skin-tag and leave it for a couple of days. Eventually, she continued, the blood flow would be cut off and the skin-tag would fall off. She said it would be “just like castrating a calf” but at that very minute, two measly skin-tags didn’t seem like such a big deal after all.

Oh, and its worth mentioning that Michelle rolled her eyes when I mentioned that I visit Diagnose Me Dot Com on a regular basis.

Early Saturday morning, McDaddy’s parents came out and brought three of our nieces. The kids had a great time running and laughing and playing while the adults sat around waiting for pictures of our husbands / kids to magically appear on our iPhones via text to confirm that they were still alive.

I wish I was kidding. But these were some HUGE rocks, y’all.

It’s all fun and games until the kids are all hovered around the hamster cage asking “Why is Apollo on his side?”

When I went over to check it out, I knew exactly why Apollo was on his side.

Apollo had checked out and moved up to his DE-LUXE apartment cage in the sky.

And so I had to act all casual and pretend that he was just resting comfortably until I could get my kids into the bathroom to break the news that Apollo was gone.

A few months back, one of the hamsters began bullying the other one. I did some research on HamstersGoneWild.com and discovered they would have to be split up. So, for the last few months, I’ve been cleaning TWO cages.

I’m embarrassed to say that one of my first reactions to Apollo’s passing was that I was back to cleaning only one cage.

Sad, I know. But that big cage is a pain in the rear, and to be fair, I only signed up to clean one cage.

And I know that at least three of you just went to Google to visit Hamsters Gone Wild Dot Com.

I made the decision to leave Apollo in his cage because it seemed better than the alternative.

Michelle and the kids left after Stevie’s game, but before Alex had All-Star practice. We were at the baseball field until well after 8 PM. We ran through McDonald’s and came home to eat before taking care of business. As the four of us sat around the dining room table, we talked about how much we’d miss Apollo. That’s also when McDaddy mentioned that he had removed Apollo from his cage and placed him in a Ziploc bag and placed him out on the deck until he could dig a hole. When Stevie asked if we were going to put Apollo in a box, I mentioned that we didn’t have a small box appropriate for a proper burial. Stevie – a problem solver at heart - immediately held up his Quarter Pounder box and suggested that is was the perfect size for Apollo.

And so Apollo McHamster will always be remembered as the hamster we buried in the Quarter Pounder box.

Which is crazy, because he was a dwarf hamster and that’s just about what he weighed.

American Idol – Final 2

So, here we are in this last night of competition.

I was shocked that Angie Miller went home last week. Not necessarily because Kree isn’t an awesome performer, I just thought Angie’s versatility behind the piano would put her a tad bit ahead of Kree.

But lo, I was wrong.

It’s happened a time or ten.

Tonight, we’ll hear the contestants sing three different songs. The first, chosen by Simon Fuller. The next, the first single the contestants will release if they win. And a third song, their favorite from the season.

ROUND 1

Kree Harrison – (Angel by Sarah McLachlan) – Kree is singing well, but I can think of so many other songs that would have been a better choice for her. WHY, oh why are we singing such a s-l-0-w depressing song? Simon Fuller didn’t do Kree any favors by choosing this song.

Candice Glover - (Chasing Pavements - by Adele) – First of all, it’s hard to beat a good Adele song. But Chasing Pavement, really? Why not, “Someone Like You” or even better, “One and Only“. I think Candice woulda knocked either one of those out-the-park with her big pipes. She is singing this one well, it just isn’t giving her much of an opportunity to shine. Simon didn’t really do Candice any favors, either.

Wait. WHAT?

The Dawg is leaving Idol next year?

Y’all.

I just did what I do when I NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW.

I went to Google. Sadly, I confirmed that Randy Jackson will not return next year.

Dang. Idol needs The Dawg.

BUT.

WAIT.

THERE’S.

MORE.

Nicki Friggin’ Minaj IS OUT TOO!

Sweeter words have never been typed.

Ok, back to business.

ROUND 2

Kree Harrison – (All Cried Out) – This song has the makings of a great country song. It’s country, it’s slow, and it involves a breakup. In certain spots, it sounds like Kree is straining to hit the high notes. Maybe it’s me. Or her nerves. Or my ears. But I’ve heard it more than once. Not Kree’s best performance, in my humble opinion.

Candice Glover – (I Am Beautiful) – Y’all. Now that right there? Do you see what Candice just did? SHE SHINED! That song was a great fit for her and her voice. A great vocal. You could almost feel it way down deep in her soul.

ROUND 3

Kree Harrison – (Up To The Mountain) – Kree turned it up a notch this time around. Her best performance of the night BY A MILE. Probably had something to do with the fact that she picked this one herself, but still! She made a great choice. And she sang it very well!

Candice Glover – (I Who Have Nothing) - If the winner was chosen based on tonight’s performances, Candice woulda just won this thing. She was singing’ like she meant it. It was her best performance this season and in my opinion, she just sealed the deal. I’m gonna go ahead and call it right now.

WINNER: Candice

RUNNER UP: Kree

Am I right?

American Idol – Top 3

THIS! Is American Idol.

The Grand finale takes place in one week and the race is tighter than its ever been.

Three ladies.

Three different styles.

Three different voices.

This week, the contestants will perform three songs that they did not choose for themselves. First round will be Jimmy Iovine’s pick. Second round will be chosen by the Judges, and the third round will be chosen by American Idol’s production team – whoever they are.

ROUND 1

Kree Harrison -  Perfect by Pink: Kree is doing a good job on this song, but I think it lacks any sort of POW!!! that she will need to make it into the next round. It was just so-so if you ask me.

OH MY WORD, please SHUT Nikki Friggin’ Minaj UP. She is yammering on about flat boots. THIS IS A SINGING COMPETITION, not America’s next top model.

Candice Glover – One by U2 – I’m not sure what Jimmy Iovine was thinking when he made these song choices, but I will say that Candice’s performance had a lot more excitement than Kree’s did. She sang it well, but I was really hoping for some Adele from Candice. I think she could knock Adele out-the-park.

Angie Miller – Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word by Elton John – As always, Angie is singing like a songbird. Still, I’m not necessarily blown away by the performance.

These home visits always make me cry.

ROUND 2

Candice Glover – Next To Me by Emile Sande – I don’t have a point of reference for this song because I’ve never heard of it or even the singer. Still, I think this song suits Candice much better than the first.

Angie MillerTry by Pink – Maybe I’m just not in the mood tonight, but I have yet to be wowed by any of these performances. Still, I think Angie and Candice will be battling it out in the finale.

Kree Harrison – Here Comes Goodbye by Rascal Flatts – Well, I’ll say it one more time… Good vocal. Not a lot of WOW.

ROUND 3

Angie Miller - Maybe by Emile Sande – Angie made a good choice by being behind the piano, because it sets her apart from the other two.

Kree Harrison – Better Dig Two by The Band PerryUgh. I think I’m over this. If you ask me tomorrow which one of these performances stood out, I would say NONE OF EM.

Candice Glover – Somewhere by Barbara Streisand – Ok. So I lied. If you ask me tomorrow which one of these performances stood out, I will tell you IT WAS THIS ONE. Thank you Candice Glover, for WOWING us. Finally. That performance was phenomenal. She just sung her way into the final.

Best of the Night: Candice Glover

Going Home: Kree Harrison

What did YOU think?

American Idol – Final Four [Take Two]

Welcome to a live Wednesday night edition of American Idol. Only it’s not really a live edition because I’ve been on the phone with McDaddy for the past hour and forgot it was American Idol night until just minutes ago.

So… this is really a DVR’d Wednesday edition of American Idol here on my blog. I can assure you it will still be all kinds of awesome.

T0night, the contestants will sing songs from 2013 and standards… whatever that is.

Oh snap, Harry Connick, Jr. is mentoring tonight. Why those Jokers didn’t choose Harry Connick, Jr. when they were looking for a judge instead of Nikki Friggin’ Minaj is beyond me.

Angie MillerDiamonds (Rhianna) –  I know I sound like a broken record because I say this every week…. I know I’m getting old, because I have never heard most of these songs. Still, Angie is at the piano, and this song sounds like it was written for her voice. Her and that topless grand get along ever so well. I will be shocked if Angie isn’t standing on the stage at the finale.

Hey Nikki, YOU ARE NOT BRITISH – STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!!!!!

Randy needs to tell the two divas to keep it classy. Come on Mariah, don’t stoop to her level.

Amber Holcomb – Just Give Me A Reason (Pink) – There are parts of this song, to me at least, that Amber seems to be straining. And several times throughout the song she seemed as though she was out of breath. This performance was just okay for me.

Dang, Nikki needs a Midol.

Candice Glover – When I Was Your Man (Bruno Mars) – Not sure how this will turn out, since Bruno Mars is a man, and Candice is not. I do KNOW this song though, so there’s that. Y’all. I think Candice is tearing this song up. My favorite of the night so far. I’m thankful she didn’t go home last week. GOOD JOB, GIRLFRIEND. Very nice.

Kree Harrison - See You Again (Carrie Underwood) – Well, Kree is keeping it simple – on a stool – and belting it out. Sounds absolutely wonderful to me.

Angie Miller – Someone To Watch Over Me (Frank Sinatra) – Angie is singing this ballad like a songbird. I think she just sealed her fate. She’ll be back next week.

Mariah and Nikki need to, wait, never mind. Not even worth the effort to type the sentence.

Amber Holcomb – My Funny Valentine (Ella Fitzgerald) – Amber is doing a great job on this song. I never feel like she is as great as Angie or Candice, but she’s singing this one really well. Still not sure if this will be enough to keep her around for another week though.

Candice Glover – You’ve Changed (Billie Holiday) – It’s over for one of these gals, but I don’t think it will be Candice. She is killing this song. And I’ll say it again, Candice. Finale. Night.

Kree Harrison - Stormy Weather (Etta James) – This song is d-r-a-g-g-I-n-g along. She’s singing it like a champ, I just wished the champ worked a little faster. Everyone has an opinion. And that’s mine.

BEST OF THE NIGHT: Candice Glover

GOING HOME: Amber Holcomb

What say you?

American Idol Recap – Final Four

THIS! Is your final four America!

Tonight, the contestants will sing two songs each. One song chosen by the contestants and another – chosen from a theme picked by America – ONE HIT WONDERS (which now that I’ve heard their choices, I have to WONDER, how were any of these songs HITS and why did these gals feel compelled to sing them?)

I can think of so many songs that would have made this night so much more interesting.

  • Rapper’s Delight – Sugar Hill Gang
  • Keep Your Hand’s To Yourself – Georgia Satellites
  • (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life – Bill Medley
  • Casanova – Levert
  • Honestly – Stryper
  • It Takes Two – Rob Bass and DJ E-Z Rock
  • Knockin’ Boots – Candyman
  • A Whole New World (Aladdin’s Theme) – Regina Belle
  • Baby I Love Your Way – Big Mountain
  • Nobody Knows – The Tony Rich Project
  • When I Said I Do – Clint Black

See there? Lots of great options.

And before we get into my commentary about the actual singing competition, I have something to say. Rumors are swirling today about the possibility of American Idol execs looking to replace Mariah Carey, reportedly due to “dwindling ratings”.

IDOL EXECS, if one of you happens across my blog today, I have a message for you. Listen very carefully and trust me when I say this, because I’ve spent many an hour watching Idol. I’ve stuck with you jokers through thick Simon Cowell and thin Ellen DeGeneres, so my opinion should count for something.

Mariah isn’t the problem.

The problem is that Nicki Friggin’ Minaj.

I guarantee ratings would soar if you gave her the boot.

[End rant]

Amber HolcombThe Power of Love (Celine Dion) First of all, the solid white pant suit thing looks wonderful on her. Secondly, Oh shoot, the back of that thing is black. Very nice. But seriously though, she is singing like a songbird. I haven’t paid much attention to Amber up till now, but tonight? I won’t be forgetting this performance. This one performance just might be enough to put her in the finals.

Candice Glover - Find Your Love (Drake) – HOLY MACANOLI BATMAN, those are some B-I-G earrings. I don’t know this song. And if I’m being honest, I’ve never even heard of Drake. I suppose that’s because I’m old and out of touch. Have I mentioned those earrings are HUGE? Candice is doing what she always does. She is singing the heck out of this song. I don’t think she’s making quite the impression that Amber did, but maybe she’ll do that with her next performance. I like the earrings, but I don’t think I could pull them off.

Kree Harrison - Hurts So Bad (Susan Tedeschi) – I’m probably showing my age here, but I don’t know this song, either. But the difference in this song that I don’t know and the Candice’s song that I don’t know? I would totally purchase Kree’s song on iTunes and blast it while driving topless in the SKY. That bluesy song makes me smile. It showcases her voice and I think it was a smart choice. Love it!

Nicki Minaj is being her usual punk self tonight.

Angie Miller - Who You Are (Jessie J) – Ok. Maybe instead of telling you how many of these songs I don’t know, I should just tell you when I hear one that I’m familiar with. Angie is at the piano (a beautiful white one!) and that could only mean one thing. This is going to be good. I would venture to say the judges will be impressed. As always, she is kicking it up a notch. If you ask me she is heads and shoulders ahead of the rest of these gals. What she’s doing there at that piano tonight? A gift. Pure and simple and wonderful.

Kree & Amber – Rumour Has It  (Adele) – Love, love, love Adele, but somehow I’ve missed this song. I think these two are killin’ it. And by killin’ it, I mean WAY TO GO GIRLS!

Candice & Angie - Stay (Rihanna) – These gals sound great together. They also seem very comfortable together – as if they’ve been singing together for years. They are both so seasoned.

Amber Holcomb – MacArthur’s Park (Richard Harris) – Was this song really a hit? I don’t know MacArthur, nor have I ever been to his park. I think when she listens to this performance, Amber is going to be VERY HAPPY that she sang The Power of Love, because this is NOT SO GREAT. I feel like she had to strain to get to some of the higher notes and I wasn’t impressed with this song at all. She could have killed ‘A Whole New World’.

Candice Glover - Emotion (Samantha Sang) – She’s singing well, but honestly, I’m not at all impressed with this song. Ol girl shoulda sang (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life. *sigh*

Kree Harrison - Whiter Shade of Pale (Procol Harem) – And Kree does it again, folks. She sings a song that makes me think, “Yup, I’d buy that.” I think Kree has had two great performances tonight. Loved this choice and thought her first performance was even better.

Angie Miller (Is she going by Angie now?) - Cry Me A River (Julie London) – OH MY HECK. Angie is on fire tonight. That song just sealed it for me. THIS was HER night. That BIG voice + A BIG ballad = A BIG FREAKIN’ performance. Plus, she is beautiful.

Best of the Night: Angie Miller

Worst of the Night: Amber Holcomb

Headed Home: I’d have to say Amber. I don’t think she’s quite the performer that the other three are.