From Inmates to Playdates

Posts Tagged ‘Blog Fodder’

Imagine, if you will the following hypothetical (ahem!) situation,

Minutes after arriving home from a three-day mini vacation, you unload your bags, laptop and accompanying paraphernalia in the middle of the  floor, take a quick peek at the Caller ID, listen to the answering machine, grab a bottle of water out of the fridge and head to your office the bathroom.

Because that’s what you do after arriving home after a long trip.

You make a quick stop in your bedroom to shed your clothing – because sweet holy moses you’re sweaty and hot because it’s 183 degrees outside with 99.8% humidity -  and oh my it will feel so much better to use the bathroom without those sticky clothes on.

You park yourself on the potty and hope like heck that maybe, just maybe, you’ll be granted five glorious minutes to sit there in all your naked glory and enjoy the peace before the constant barrage of I’m hungry -hey mom- can I play the Wii- and can I have a drink begin.

And then.

There is  a knock on your front door.

Before you have time to utter a single word, your seven year old goes running to the door because he is a party looking for a place to happen.

He gleefully opens the door and hollers “Hey Ronnie, Come on in!”

Ronnie, your wonderfully helpful next-door-neighbor who is always so great to pick up your mail everytime you’re out of town has noticed that you are back at home and is bringing your mail.

You take a quick look around the bathroom wondering what to do next.

Greeting Ronnie is out of the question because for one you are naked and for two, that would require you to scramble (naked mind you) from the bathroom into your bedroom. A short scramble for sure, but a scramble none the less.

All the while wearing absolutely nothing.

Just a couple feet away from the front door.

You leap up from the potty and say something really dumb, like, “Stevie, mommy will be there in just a second, I’m headed that way!” in an effort to cause confusion and delay because at the time all you think about is your nakedness and what made you ever think it was a good idea to go to the bathroom without your clothes on.

As is always the case, Stevie unleashes into some big windy tail about our trip to Kentucky - and ohmygosh the hotel pool was so cold we froze to death – hey, is this our mail, thanks for bringing it over – and oh, daddy is getting our camper because we’re going camping this weekend – and mommy didn’t answer the door because she is naked in the bathroom – oh my word this child talks more than his mother, I’m sure of it!

Well, maybe he left that last part out, but heavenstobetsy, I was sure holding my breath waiting for the information to be offered.

Did I mention that I was on in the potty?

And I was naked?

Before I could muster the nerve to slide out of the bathroom and into our bedroom to get some clothes on, I heard Stevie saying goodbye to Ronnie and then the door closed.

I exhaled and quickly made my way to my bedroom to get dressed. After that, I high-tailed it into the living room to have a talk with Stevie about inviting people in without first making sure that mommy is fully clothed checking with me.

And considered what a theatrical spectacle this could have been, had it not been, um, purely hypothetical.

This post is linked to me Not Me! Monday over at MckMama‘s place.

It’s one of those days where my head is swimming.

Not that it’s any different than most days in my head, but today, I suspect I could come up with thirteen very random things to purge from my brain thereby making room for other, more important information.

Let’s see what we can do, shall we?

1. I heard (or read?) somewhere that Harry Connick, Jr. may be the replacement judge for Simon Cowell.

- This news? Sweet hallelujah, this news absolutely thrills me to death!

2. At this very moment, I am playing Words With Friends with both Big Mama and MckMama. I feel like I’ve hit the big time.

- Do you play Words With Friends? I’m JulieWV if you’re looking for a game with a crazy person.

3. Earlier today, my sweet Alex asked “if we could get a pogo stick?”

- Why yes, sweet boy. Yes indeed we can get you a pogo stick. I can think of no better way to crack your head and bust your teeth? On top of that, what else does McDaddy have to do besides fixing a hole in the ceiling?

4. The new 4.0 iPhone software allows you to put your APPs into folders. Did you know that?

- Simply hold your finger on an APP until the little black delete x’s show up allowing you to delete or move them. Drag an APP on top of another APP and release. It will create a folder that you can name and show all the APPs in that folder and will consolidate your eight or nine pages of APPs into fewer pages.

5. Am I the only 30ish woman on the planet who has yet to get swept up in the vampire, Edward, Eclipse nonsense?

- Really. Have. No. Desire.

6. Stevie’s speech teacher had another job lined up for the upcoming school year. In her words, something “just didn’t feel right about the new job!” so she asked if she could have her job at Stevie’s school back.

-Answered prayers.

That’s all I’m sayin.

7. Very excited about two very cool blog reviews coming up in the next week.  Stay tuned!

8. Our boys are participating in an eight-week program at our church called Centershot Ministries. Their web-site says ”The Centershot Ministry teaches children the life-skill of archery while sharing the good news of Christ at the same time.” That means my four (4!) year old will be shooting a real live bow with real life arrows at a real life target at thirty feet.

Wow. Just wow.

9. Summer is more than half-over. That makes me very sad. Especially when you consider how s-l-o-w the school year creeps by.

10. McDaddy’s cell phone suffered a fatal accident this week. His new phone arrived today. I was concerned that he might need my precious for a few days while out of town on business. Thankfully, my old phone (two phones ago) charged right up and accepted his SIM card. Me and my iPhone have been inseperable and I’m not sure how either of us would have fared if forced to spend time apart.

11. Stevie’s left front tooth is loose and crooked. When he smiles, he looks like Tow Mater.

12. I’m planning an impromptu birthday party for a friend. I’m giving out princess treat bags and may even wear my tiara.

13. I am in the mood for Chili’s chips and salsa. Would love to have some at this very moment. They are warm and salty and wonderful.

I know. I know. I shoulda never brought it up.

Happy Thursday, y’all!

-Washed, dried, folded and put away five (5!!!!) loads of laundry
-Rearranging and straightening the pantry
-Designed an “egg drop” project for Stevie’s scout camp project
-Watched my sweet boy swim for the first time
-Spent over an hour in the grocery store sans kids with time to actually think and plan a two-week menu
-Updated my beloved iPhone to Version 4 or 4.0 (whichever it is)
-Cleaned out the fridge
-Suffered through excessive humidity and extreme temperatures while accompanying my sweet boy at scout camp
-Had a long talk with the boys about fighting, arguing, bickering, etc., etc., etc.
-Used approximately 1/2 bottle of bleach on a load of clothes in a desperate attempt to fight the grunge of camping.

Those are some things I DID do.

Now for the things I most certainly DID NOT do.

-I did NOT find the top piece of my new bathing suit a full four weeks after losing it – ON OUR DINING ROOM TABLE – of all places under a stack of papers. (And even if I did I wouldn’t admit it because who loses a bathing suit top and finds it four weeks later on the end of the dining room table under some papers? Unless of course one is referring to a size three string bikini top because then it would be perfectly understandable how a set of strings bathing suit top could hide out on a dining room table for a full four weeks without anyone noticing it?)

-Nor did I find a brand new bathing suit – purchased last year - in my pajama drawer. Because who puts a bathing suit away at the end of the season and then forgets they even purchased the thing? On top of that, guess what? Last year, I thought the bathing suit was cut way too low. Funny things is, it’s still cut too low for my taste. I can’t win. I’m either wearing a bathing suit that’s cut way too low or I’m going naked because I can’t find the stupid top piece.

-I did not try unsuccessfully to install Version 4.0 iPhone software three nights in a row. (Couldn’t have been me because I am way more technologically advanced than that!)

-It wasn’t me who packed our stuff for a trip to the pool with my fellas without packing a set of floaties for the four year old. (Not I. Because I am way more organized and prepared than that!)

-I did not opt to ignore constant nagging phone calls from fund-raising folks trying to “win” the contract for fund-raising at Stevie’s school (where I am current PTA president). Seriously, this fund-raising thing is a BIG DEAL. I never knew there were so many companies peddling over-priced wrapping paper and flower bulbs. It’s enough to drive a gal crazy.

As if I have far to go.

For more things that people DID NOT do, visit MckMama‘s place.

 Sometimes it amazes me at the amount of stuff I learn in one week.

Either I live a highly exciting life, or I wasn’t that smart to begin with.

I think I’ll go with the highly exciting life bit.

At any rate, it makes the whole ‘What I Learned This Week’ post much easier to write, because lets face it, if I wasn’t learning anything, I’d have to make stuff up for this weekly WILTW post. Plus, I don’t have a dramatic bone in my body, so a made-up post of things I learned would probably bore you to death. And if that’s the case no one would link up. And that would make me very sad.

Let’s just kick things off, shall we?

• No matter how many times my boys watch Tom and Jerry’s Greatest Chases DVD, they laugh as if its the first time they’ve ever watched those particular antics. Just as they are right at this very moment.
• If you’re headed to a birthday party for a two-year-old cousin who lives two hours away and it dawns on you to pack a change of clothes for each child, you should probably remember to pack extra underwear too. Ahem.
• If you send enough e-mails and raise enough cain, EVENTUALLY the sorry saps at Words With Friends will get their butt in gear and fix your PAID Words With Friends APP. Hallelujah and Amen.
• If you have a beef with Suddenlink, you should totally post the problem on your blog. Within hours, a Suddenlink representative will call your house to find out about your woes.
• Suddenlink customer service rocks!
• Google now allows you to customize your Google page. Mine makes me smile because look?

• You can find out to to print, save and paste a screen shot here.
• If you take your boys to the ballfield for the church soft-ball game,  you should make sure they have on play clothes. A box of baby wipes in the van wouldn’t hurt either.
• When you are on an Allegiant Air flight and they announce that they have peanut M&Ms for sale, its a pretty good bet they will be out of them by the time they reach aisle 36.
• If you are sitting in aisle 36 on an Allegiant Air flight, in a window seat the only thing you’ll be seeing is the engines.
• If you are sitting in aisle 36 on an Allegiant Air flight, you will not be able to hear yourself think over the roar of the engines.
• You can find anything, and I mean any-thing on Craig’s list. He’s got a lot going on over there. He’s one shady character.

How’s that for random?

What did you learn this week? I’d love to hear from you. And you. And you over there behind the bush.

If you’re linking up to the carnival, please be sure to link to your WILTW post and not your bloggy home page.

McDaddy and I returned home from a glorious four-day weekend in Florida for my cousin’s beach wedding at Fort Myers, Florida.

I’ve been looking forward to this wedding for a number of months. Something I was not looking forward to however, was the stinkin’ heat because, hello?

It was approximately 129 degrees on the beach.

Or something like that.

The Lord smiled down on us and sent a wonderfully refreshing breeze much of the day.

It was a beautiful wedding. The bride was beautiful. The groom was beautiful. (Yes, I said beautiful!), The beach was beautiful. It was an all-around beautiful day.

From beginning to end.

I learned that a beach wedding is a beautiful event, even in the midst of 95 degree weather. I also learned that a constant breeze at a 95 degree beach wedding can make a huge difference in one’s comfort level.

Yes, the wedding was breath-taking.

Even sitting on the back row, one can easily hear the marriage vows over the roar of the ocean waves.

As you might imagine, a wedding party wearing cowboy/country-western attire, creates quite the stir on the beach.

When your ‘baby’ cousin repeats the words, “I ain’t ever gettin’ married” for the better part of 15 years, there is a pretty good chance that he’ll be eating his words when he meets the one.

Congratulations, Barbie and Ken George and Andrea!

Just look at those two.

Beautiful, I tell you. Just beautiful. I am already missing the beach. And the rest of our family who were staying a few more days. And the romance. And the excitement.

What did you learn this week?

If you’re linking up, please link to your specific What I Learned This Week post and not just your blog in general.

 It’s been a fun, relaxing weekend. 

But, I am draggin’ my wagon.

My fellas and I spent Memorial Day Weekend in our Summer home camper with two families from our church.

With the exception of the FREAKIN’ HUMIDITY and the never-ending flow of snot that made its way out of my nose, it was a perfect weekend.

Gross. Yes, I know. But totally true. Seriously, where in the heck does it all come from?

Between blowing my brains out into a tissue every three minutes and the endless whining about the stupid humidity, I was a real gem to hang out with this weekend.

Just ask McDaddy.

Even with the drama-filled camping weekend, I found time to learn some stuff. A fact, which I’m sure thrills y’all to pieces.

- Regardless of their claims, generic tissues suck. Or blow. Whichever way you want to look at it.

- In the state of West Virginia, a person is only permitted to be issued a marriage license eight times.

Random. But true.

- When your child’s field day is scheduled for 11:30 am – 1:15 pm, you can pretty much expect to be miserable, especially if it’s 90 degrees in the shade.

- I am apparently at the age where I need to set reminders on my iPhone for events like Dental appointments because apparently writing the appointment on three different calendars is simply not enough.

Dang.

- Microwaving your kitchen sponge for two minutes is a great way to get rid of germs.

- The older your boys become, the less time it will take for them to wear holes in their pants.

- Online forums are a great way to find answers to your automotive questions.

- When your son’s school has a street fair planned, it is a good idea to PUT THE SCHEDULE UP WHERE YOU WILL BE ABLE TO FIND IT or else you’ll not have a clue when or where you’re supposed to be.

I guess that’s enough drama information for one week.

How ’bout you? What did you learn this week? You know the drill.

 I’ve received some news.

Some very good news.

In fact, I’m not sure what to do with myself since receiving the news.

Because, this is apparently a pretty big deal. See for yourself.

——–

ESTEVAN NORBERTO CHAMBER
FROM THE DESK OF
BARRISTER ESTEVAN NORBERTO,
143 STRAND, LONDON WC2R 1AP,
ENGLAND, UNITED KINGDOM.
 

Good Day,

I was the attorney to Late Engineer Hamilton Grant. And I hereby attempt to reach you again by this same email address stated on the WILL as my previous notification to you was returned undelivered. I wish to notify you that late Engineer Hamilton Grant made you a legatee to his WILL. He left the sum of three hundred and sixty thousand Great Britain Pounds (GBP£360,000.00) to you in the codicil to his last will and testament.

Being a widely travelled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were recommended to him by one of his numerous friends abroad who wished you good. He was a very dedicated Christian who loved to be involved in charitable projects. Until his death he was a member of the Rotary Club International. And he died on the 12th day of July, 2007 at the age of 75 years, and his WILL is now ready for execution.

According to him this money is to support your humanitarian activities and to help the poor and the needy in our society. Please if I reach you this time as I am hopeful that you will endeavour to get back to me. I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible.

God Bless,

Barrister Estevan Norberto, Esq  

——— 

According to the handy conversion chart over at Google, Mr. Grant has made me a wealthy woman

Before Stevie started school, I joked to McDaddy that someday I would be President of the PTA at the school. Funny thing is, toward the end of the 2008-2009 school year, I received a phone call from the current PTA President asking me if I’d run for President.

Only I didn’t really run.

In fact, I back stepped before giving in.

Tomorrow will mark my one year anniversary as PTA President at Stevie’s school.

It has been a busy, exasperating-at-times, year.

Don’t get me wrong, I thrive on the organizational part of heading stuff up. And I seriously don’t mind actually doing what it takes to get the job done. What I don’t thrive on is county board members who sleep through public hearings, board members who roll their eyes at parents, and board members who fabricate information and documentation.

You see, had this year been a normal year at Stevie’s school, yours truly would have been in her ever-lovin’ glory heading up all the activities and events that take place during the school year. As is typically my run of luck though, just after the school year started, our county school board decided to close a neighboring school, send it’s students to Stevie’s school, and send all 5th grade students in our attendance area to the Middle School.

Ahem.

As one might guess, the attendance area was not a bit pleased with that decision and so several of us spent the better part of three months planning, organizing meetings, meeting, discussing, complaining, e-mailing, and quarreling.

It was all for nothing because once the school board gets a bird-brained idea that is motivated by money, you can pretty much consider the “idea” a done deal. The whole mess was enough to make me want to poke my eyeballs out with a toothpick.

Now that the school board vote has been signed, sealed, and approved and construction is currently underway, I suspect the next year will go much smoother.

At any rate, I learned at least 13 things about the PTA over the past year.

1. If you want something done a certain way correctly, you should do it yourself.

2. PUBLIC SPEAKING. Hello? There is public speaking involved at meetings. Like in front of people. With a friggin’ microphone.

3. 98% of the parent population is not nearly as interested in PTA as the other 2%

4. The more you do, the more you will be asked to do.

5. When asking parents to bring desserts for a teacher appreciation luncheon, it would be a good idea for the parents to label their desserts BECAUSE that cookie cake that says “Happy 50th Cinco De Mayo” is actually a birthday cake intended for a teacher’s husband and NOT for the luncheon.

6. When membership cards arrive in the mail, you should by all means put those cards in a safe place or else you might end up filing them in file 13 and they will never be seen again.

7. Fundraising is a REALLY big deal. It is competitive. It is fierce. And it is an aggravation. The sooner you make fund raising decisions, the less you’ll be hounded and scouted.

Dang. Who knew?

8. There is always one in the bunch. You know the one. The one who loves to complain but is never available to help.

9. Invest in a coin sorter/counter because hello? Remember Santa’s workshop?  Those sweet little angels bring in ziplockbags full of dimes and nickels to purchase $14.00 worth of merchandise and the rolling of the change will be enough to drive you slowly insane.

10. You might as well get used to seeing the school’s number on your Caller ID. There’s a really good chance your child is not sick. He probably hasn’t busted any teeth out either.

11. Learn the Risograph. It is your friend. One year later, the original GOES FACE DOWN FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE.

12. When you have the words ‘behind’ and ‘bars’ in your e-mail address, you should be ready to do some splainin’ about the email address to concerned parents.

13. If you happen to be at a public hearing concerning a school consolidation and one of the board members just so happens to be fast asleep in his chair facing the crowd forcryingoutloud, you should by all means snap a picture with your beloved iPhone. Even though you will convince yourself that it wouldn’t be a good idea for the PTA President to post the picture to HER facebook page, there will be countless parents who will tell you that yes, yes indeed they would post the picture inaheartbeat.

By the time most of you read this PTA Elections for the 2010-2011 school year will most likely have been held. I may or may not be doing this all over again next year.

I’ll keep y’all posted.

 I’ve had one of those days.

You know the days of which I speak.

The day where your iPhone freezes (and you are sure it is deader than 4′oclock), you lose a diamond out of your (4 month old) wedding ring while having it cleaned at the jeweler – who refuses to assume responsibility thank you very much, and your van decides it can go no faster than 60 mph (once you’re in the fast lane on the interstate mind you).

Like I said. One of those days.

Being ever so optimistic though, I am confident that tomorrow will be a better day.

It has to be, right?

Yes, I hope so too.

Now, for the very random list of things I learned this week, in no particular order,

- While there are three coke machines on the ground floor of the Nationwide Arena in Columbus, you can expect them to be turned off because they would prefer that you spent $4.00 on a 20 ounce soft drink as opposed to $1.25 from the machine.

Sorry saps.

- My new roomba talks.

It scared the soup out of me because I had no idea the thing could talk. It said, and I quote, “It is time to clean the filters.”

- It took me forever and a day to order checks this time around because I wanted plain, easy to read checks as opposed to the crazy busy checks I ordered last time.

Old age is creeping in…

- iPod on the iPhone + Words With Friends on the iPhone = Very little battery life

- If your stinkin’ eyelashes are driving you insane sticking together, you might try purchasing new mascara to replace the expired crap you’re putting on your eyes.

Pure aggravation.

- If you are doing your best to lose weight, you should not, under any circumstances have one of these suckers in your fridge.

Because it will smirk at you each time you open the fridge.

And mock you.

And tease you.

It will also melt in your darn mouth.

- If you play it in the right position on the Words With Friends game board, you can expect the word ‘reflex’ to yield a record number of points.

-Maksim Chmerkovskiy is all that.

And a big friggin’ bag of chips.

How’s that for random?

If you’re linking up, please remember to link directly to your What I Learned This Week post and not your main blog page.
If you need help with that, you can go here.

For some reason, the list of things I didn’t do this week seems a bit longer than usual.

Perhaps that’s because I actually kept a running list this time.

Or perhaps it’s just because it was an eventful week.

Either way, I suspect you’ll find this list of things that I didn’t do pretty entertaining.

For those of you who are new around here, Not Me! Monday was born out of  ‘a desire to admit some imperfections and reveal a few moments we’d rather forget’ and since it’s so stinkin’ therapeutic you may want to join in, too! Believe me, there’s room for everyone!

-And no, before you ask, I did not, under any circumstances eat too much over the weekend. I attended Women Of Faith in Columbus with 20 of my girlfriends, and I never ordered too much, or ate too much. In fact, I turned down every offer of snack and chocolate that came my way.

So there.

*coughcough*

-There is no way in the world that I went to pee in the middle of the night and neglected to pull my pants down alltheway, which caused me to pee on them.

Sheesh. Can you say sleepy dork?

-Because my mama would tell you that she did her best to raise a lady and not a street urchin, it wasn’t me who, after days and days of serious amounts of SPAM comments on my blog, responded to one of them via e-mail saying, “You are a stupid spammer. Get a life douche-bag”  to one of them.

Not my proudest moment. But still.

- It wasn’t me who sat on a cold, concrete floor in the Nationwide arena on more than one occasion so I could charge my beloved iPhone in between sets.

Nope. Not me!

- It most certainly wasn’t my silly organized self who wrote a Doctor appointment on two different calendars listing two different times, neither of which was the appropriate time.

Recently I made the lame brain decision to record all Doctor’s appointments in my calendars 10 minutes ahead of my actual appointment time. You know, because I’m efficient and all that. Remembering this plan, I recorded the appointment in my purse calendar ten minutes earlier than the actual appointment. Then, when I arrived home, apparently, I forgot that I had already recorded the appointment ten minutes early, and recorded it on my home calendar ten minutes earlier than that which meant I was effectively thirty minutes early to the appointment after still arriving 10 minutes earlier than the time written on my home calendar.

It’s a tough job keeping up with the madness in my life head.

- And lastly, it also wasn’t me who went to Kohls to purchase a birthday present for my mama and ended up buying two of everything.

One for my mama.

And one for me.

Like I said.

Lots of stuff I didn’t do this week.

How ’bout you? You can share what you haven’t done here in the comments OR you can write your own post and link to MckMama‘s Not Me! Monday bloggy carnival.