From Inmates to Playdates

Posts Tagged ‘Blog Fodder’

For more Wordless Wednesday posts, visit 5 Minutes For Mom.

My boys can tell a story with the best of them. Not sure where the gift of gab comes from, I just know that they have it. It’s a gift that runs in our family.

Or so I hear.

I will try my best to keep this relatively short, but y’all know how I am. If you have somewhere to be in the next hour, you may want to come back when you have more time because this story has the potential to be a long, windy tale.

It all started in April, 2009 when I visited the Dentist because my gums were swollen. As it turns out, I had something lodged in my gums, and my gums became infected. The Dentist prescribed some sort of antibiotic that apparently causes abdominal pain in one out of about 2,281 patients. Give or take a few.

Guess who the one was?

The severe abdominal pain caused my two boys and I to miss out on a trip to Guantanamo Bay to see McDaddy because I ended up in the emergency room in a Maryland hospital. A blood work-up revealed that my iron level was dangerously low due to very heavy periods.

Gross, I know.

Once we got back to town, I visited my PC who referred me to my gynecologist so that the whole very heavy periods thing could be attended to. I was given two options – ablation or Mirena IUD – to take care of the problem. Because McDaddy was out of the country, I opted for the Mirena and looked forward to five friggin’ years without a visit from the monthly beast.

If you’ve spent a good amount of time around here, you might remember me blogging about a visit to my gyno. I might have mentioned a dump truck being used in the procedure because OHMYGOSHITHURTSOBADLY.

The dump truck procedure that I referred to was actually a procedure to insert (install?) an IUD into my body.

Did I mention that it was really painful? Because seriously, it was!

After nearly passing out catching my breath, I was instructed to return to the gyno after a month to have an ultrasound to insure the device was in place. In rare cases, the IUD expels itself and must be removed.

Apparently I am a rare bird.

Because as luck would have it, the ultrasound revealed that the device was not in the proper position and needed to be removed. Coincidentally, the only thing worse than having an IUD inserted, is having a misplaced IUD removed.

Sweet mercy, I THOUGHT I WAS DYING!

Not that I’m dramatic or anything.

With tears in my eyes, I sat in the exam room for several minutes before leaving. A month or so later I found myself in the same exam room dreading the same procedure. The dump truck pulled in, backed up, and pulled in again. Or at least if felt that way. Another ultrasound one month later revealed that the IUD was in fact, in place.

Hallelujah!

Fast forward to January 18, 2010 when I visited my PC for my annual check-up. On that particular day, my blood pressure was 184/103. My medical doctor informed me that I had gained some weight (ahem!) since my last visit and that it was necessary to add a second blood pressure medication to my already existing medicine.

Two days later, my blood pressure spiked to 204/185.  That little mess resulted in a trip to the Urgent Care and from there I was transported to the Emergency Room via ambulance. If you want to read every stinkin’ detail,  you can go here to read about that first visit.

Shortly after that visit, McDaddy offered to give me a kidney if needed and I continued to monitor my blood pressure very closely. A few days later, me and my dramatic self experienced some very scary symptoms. My chest tightened. My arm tingled. My head ached. My heart was pounding out of my chest and my blood pressure was 238/140. If you’re guessing, I ended up back in the ER, you’d be right! It was our second weekend night in the ER.

Each time I visited the ER, I mentioned the dump truck procedure IUD.

A few days later, on a whim, and because I had another stinkin’ head ache I googled Mirena + blood pressure.

Guess what I found?

Overwhelming evidence that suggested that maybe, just maybe the Mirena was causing the problems with my blood pressure. I made a call to my gynecologist and she felt certain that the IUD would not cause my blood pressure to spike so high, but agreed that it should be removed.

As one in my shoes might expect, the removal of the IUD did not go as planned.

A minute or so after the Doctor was “on the property” she said five words that I did not expect to hear.

“I can’t find the strings”

Wellalrightythen. Now what?

I was sure at that minute that those stupid strings had crawled up into my chest cavity and I was mentally preparing myself for the possibility that I would have to be opened up so that the device and it’s strings could be surgically removed from my body. Thankfully, that scenario never played out.  A vaginal ultrasound was needed to find the strings and within seconds the device was fairly painlessly removed from my body.

Eight days (and an addional blood pressure pill) later, my blood pressure is just slightly higher than normal. I can’t be sure if the problems were due to the IUD, or if there is a more serious underlying problem (I had an ultrasound of my kidneys today to check for a renal blockage) but I know that the headaches are gone. The dizziness is gone. And I feel much better.

I’ll keep you posted and iknowthiswentonwaytoolong, so I’ll just say enjoy your weekend!

Mkay. That’s all.

Today’s WFMW is a themed edition. That means it’s my turn to ask a question and your turn to share a tip that works for you. I’m hoping for lots of good advice!

For the better part of 22 years, I have been on the hunt for a really good hair spray.

I really don’t have a lot of requirements for hairspray except that it hold my hair.

And, since my hair dresser gave me a really good hair-do with awesome potential, I have also been on the search for a really good hair gel.

You may may or may not recall, I did a WFMW post a few months ago about Disorder Hair Gel. At the time, it seemed like and The Disorder were made for one another. It was fantastic for giving my hair the FLIP that it is supposed to have. When the stars are aligned and all is right with my world, my hair flips like this

On a not so good hair day (and believe me there are a bunch!), my hair looks like a hot mess. I don’t normally take pictures on hot mess hair days, so sadly, I don’t have pictures of the hot mess. You can just imagine one of those cute flips looking more like an ear on a beagle.

Unfortunately, the Disorder no longer does what it is supposed to. Or I am not using it correctly. Or I’m not crimping it the right way. Or, my hair is just used to the product and is choosing to ignore it. Or maybe my hair is shorter or longer than it was although I just got it cut a week ago. Sadly, when there are variables involved, anything can happen.

Kinda like my math skills.

Here’s a picture of my current arsenal.

And seriously, with an arsenal like this, my hair should pretty much style itself. These products range in price from $1.99 a bottle to $9.00. Surely, one of them should do the deed.

Yet, here I am making a plea to you, my loyal readers (all 8 of you!) to offer up some great advice.

I had really hoped the Short Sexy Hair stuff would do the trick, because really, how great does that sound? Unfortunately, it made my hair feel like plastic.

The Disorder worked wonderfully the first few months I used it, however, we seem to be at an impasse.

If my hair looked like this, I would be a happy girl who would not complain about her hair ever again. It is very cute!

So, with that in mind, I need your help with my hair.

Please tell me what types of hair products you use. I’m willing to try them all.

Me and my hair thank you!

Head over to We Are THAT Family for more backward Works For Me Wednesday posts.

Sometimes I come up with something so profound that it surprises even me.

Humility anyone?

Actually, I’m not sure how profound this is, but it certainly is a clever little trick that works for me.

While perusing through The Big Lots one day I ran across a couple of large, fun boxes. I had no earthly idea what I was going to do with them, I just knew I wanted them. Sadly, that is the way that 86% of the stuff in my house ended up at my house. The only difference with these boxes is that I actually use them for something that is practical.

Here are the boxes.

While they look like cutely decorated, cleverly disguised Christmas gifts, they are in fact hiding some Christmas necessities that I hate to go digging for when I’m ready to wrap a present or running late and in need of a Christmas bag.

For instance, this Santa Claus box is actually storage for 247 Christmas bows.

Okay, so there aren’t actaully 247 in there, but I can tell you there are at least 80 with plenty of room for a ton more.

And this cute Snowman box hides all of my holiday gift bags.

Like I said, clever, practical and profound.

You can thank me later!

Have a great Wednesday, folks! And be sure to head over to We Are That Family for more Thngs that Work For You!

Dear Nasty Flu:

I am sick and tired of  you and your posse ganging up on me. The Aches, The Vomits, The Fever, The Headache and The Chills have been trying to outdo each other, and honestly, I couldn’t tell you which one came out victorious! As you can guess, its been a miserable three days.

I would respectfully request that you leave me and my sweet fellers alone. You have wreaked enough havoc on our lives and most definitely my social calendar. I am way too busy to deal with you and the friggin’ mess you make when you invade someone’s body like you did mine.

You might tell The Headache that it made me the most miserablist for the better part of six hours, but it was no match for that big, honkin’ needle full of  mirace mix that they blasted into my rear-end for pain. It was no fun, but I’d do it all over again if it meant I would be finished with the pounding, pulsating ache in my forehead.

Oh, and The Vomit?

Seriously, the dry heaving is for the birds. It’s very frustrating and two days later, my chest hurts like heck. Your motto should be, “all or nothing!” It’s kind of like the thunder without the rain. If that’s all I had, I wouldn’t even show up for the job because its a waste of time and energy.

You can also let The Fever and The Chills know that neither of them got the best of me. A few tylenol was enough to scare both of them right away and thankfully, they found somewhere else to play.

I’ve taken my turn and now I’ve got a life to get back to that doesn’t include camping out in my big, blue, bloggy chair for three days.

And don’t come back!

Sincerely, 

Julie From Inmates

It wasn’t me who sat in my big, blue, bloggy chair for the past two hours searching every. single. file. on my laptop for six pictures that were e-mailed to me three weeks ago. Because I would never ever hit a wrong button on my computer or be side-tracked to the point where I lose files. No way, because surely I am way too brilliant to do that.

It also wasn’t me who scratched her head and sighed real loud a short while ago because the green bench? The stupid green bench in my room is completely hidden by clothing. It wasn’t me because I never just throw clothes down instead of hanging them up or placing them in the laundry basket. Never.

Why, oh why can I not keep that thing clear of debris?

It couldn’t have been me who stood in her kitchen on Friday holding her beloved iPhone to one ear and the house phone to the other ear in an attempt to have a three-way call with two of my best gal pals. It couldn’t have been me because I don’t enjoy talking and couldn’t think of enough to say to keep two conversations going at once. Never. Not in a million years.

Ahem!

It wasn’t me threw her hand over her mouth when the words, “Man, that’s a nice lookin’ jeep” came spilling out as I passed a Jeep Wrangler as I headed into the grocery store. Nah, wasn’t me because JEEPS do not excite me.

[I can see McDaddy smiling from here!]

Oh, and it certainly wasn’t me who left the sliding door on my van open while my boys and I were in the Dentist because I would never be so careless as to let it all hang out. I’m still not absolutely sure it happened, its just that when I hit my door clicker the door was closing instead of opening. I choose to believe that I hit the clicker three too many times causing the door to open and then close before I noticed what was going on.

Yes, I’m sure that was it. It had to be.

And finally, it wasn’t me who won a gift certificate to the flea market in the Amish Country on a bus trip on Saturday, then forgot to use it. That would be silly because a gift certificate is like money in your pocket and the only thing I love more than shopping is having a gift certificate.

Aren’t you glad I didn’t do all of those things?

This post is linked to MckMama’s“Not Me! Monday” bloggy carnival. Hop over there and show her some love, but only after you head over here to sign up for my give-away!

It wasn’t me who read the following status update on the Facebook last week and subsequently dropped her jaw.

“what is the story on closing B. Elementary next year, just heard. Don’t see how all the kids will fit at F. Elementary and don’t want my 5th grader being moved to the middle school…. let me know what you’ve heard!”

First of all. Why is it that the School Board announced this decision on the Friday before a long-holiday-weekend?

And now, as President of the P.T.A. at F. Elementary, it is most certainly not me who is up to her eyeballs in a consolidation mess. Seriously. Can someone please explain to me how our county Board of Education can make a decision affecting so many students without first consulting parents and teachers? It’s very frustrating. And, thankfully, it’s not me who has four meetings scheduled this week to deal with the aftermath of this ridiculous news.

——–

It also wasn’t me who tripped on a side-walk yesterday and shattered her knee-cap.

Okay, so maybe the whole ’shattered her kneecap’ thing is a bit dramatic. But, I’m here to tell you, I sure thought it was shattered as I peeled myself up off of the sidewalk and limped to my van.

——–

And, in case you’re wondering, it wasn’t me who dropped her jaw as she frantically ran up and down the halls at Google dot com trying to verify if indeed the news about American Idol was true.

Ellen Degeneres.

Seriously?

Is that the best Fox could do?

Five years?

Of Ellen?

Who freestyle dances for two minutes each day on her talk show?

Are you serious?

I can think of approximately 7,392 people that would have been a terrific replacement for the ’straight-up’ crazy person that was Paula.

A few really great replacements immediately come to mind, some of which are even articulate: Janet Jackson;  Whitney Houston; LaToya Jackson; Gloria Estefan; Shania Twain… need I go on?

And what is up with Paula Abdul leaving Idol in the first place?

Not enough money?

Are you kidding me?

Where else is Paula Abdul going to make that kind of money for that kind of work?

Heck, I would do the show for free. I would even keep with the Pauler theme. Big jewelry, talk in circles and flirt with Simon when needed. I could most certainly do that.

And, in a surprise twist, I MIGHT EVEN OFFER SOME SERIOUS FRIGGIN’ OPINIONS ABOUT SINGING instead of the whole you-look-beautiful-and-you-are-so-very-relevant-and-i’m-so-proud-of-you check that she wrote each and every week.

———

And, if all that isn’t enough.

It wasn’t me who dropped my jaw in disbelief as I turned on my TiVo to watch Big Brother on the DVR to find Morley Safer of Sixty minutes flapping his jaws for 24 minutes about the Guiding Light. Thanks to his ramblings and whatever else was on CBS before Sixty Minutes, I have no idea who got Head-of-Household or nominated for eviction on Big Brother.

But, like I said, none of that was me.

Enjoy your week, y’all.

I’m in meetings all week for that little issue involving the Board of Education and our local elementary school.

Wish me luck.

Head over to “Not Me, Monday” for more things that people did not do.

It’s been a fun, but busy week at the McResidence. And, what better day to share all I’ve learned. Lucky for y’all my well of information is never close to running dry.
 
So, here you go….
 
1. If a young kid on a 4-wheeler hits your 4-Runner on the back right panel, the damage will total $900.00. If you accidentally back into your neighbor’s truck in the driveway with the heap, ahem! I mean JEEP, it will cost more than $1,300.

2. If you have missed ANY episodes of BONES, you can catch one or two or twelve episodes daily on TNT.

3. If you are attempting to open a folding table, you should use caution or else you might end up hitting your toe and breaking off your toe-nail so far back that it bleeds.

4. If you get a pedicure, there is a pretty good chance, something will happen to scratch the polish or rip your toenail within 24-hours danggit.
  
5. If you choose a finger-nail polish color called Hot Atomic Red for your fingernails, it will look more like Hot Atomic Pink once it is applied.
 
6. There is at least one person working at Lowe’s that shouldn’t be working there.

7. If you take your kids to a movie at Park Place and the movie projector acts up five times during the movie, the manager will give you free passes if you complain.
 
8. Your child is learning from you at all times (especially if he is 6 years old.) You should use caution when talking about something that you do not want the entire free world to know about. 

9. A SAMS card will not work in the ATM machine at your local bank.

10. When your child starts first grade, you can anticipate lots more homework than he had in kindergarten.

11. If your child gets stung by a sweat bee, the good news is it will die as soon as it stings you. (That tip is courtesy of Stevie.)

12. Corn is widely considered to be a fruit.

If you don’t believe me, Google it!

13. The little thing on the end of the shoe-string that holds it together is called an aglet.

14. If you don’t have sense enough not to eat them, you shouldn’t buy Little Debbie cakes.

Just Sayin’

15. Dancing With The Stars will begin in three weeks. Here is the line-up.

Natalie Coughlin with Alec Mazo
Mark Dacascos with Lacey Schwimmer
Tom DeLay with Cheryl Burke
Macy Gray with Jonathan Roberts
Ashley Hamilton with Edyta Sliwinska
Melissa Joan Hart with Mark Ballas
Kathy Ireland with Tony Dovolani
Michael Irvin with Anna Demidova
Joanna Krupa with Derek Hough
Chuck Liddell with Anna Trebunskaya
Debi Mazar with Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Mya with Dmitry Chaplin
Kelly Osbourne with Louis van Amstel
Donny Osmond with Kym Johnson
Louie Vito with Chelsie Hightower

Looks like I’ll be rooting for my boyfriend and Debi Mazar, whomever she is.

Donny Osmond and Natalie Coughlin will also be favorites of mine! Oh, I’m excited!

That’s all for this week!

Stop by Musings of a Housewife for more What I Learned This Week bloggy carnival fun!

Exactly one month and one day ago, I blogged about a dump truck.

Today, I am mentioning the dump truck again because OHMYWORDITWASWORSETODAY!

Without going into too much detail, my day started with an appointment at a particular Doctor that may or may not use a dump truck in her examinations.

Or at least it felt like a dump truck.

The procedure that was done one month and one day ago will sadly have to be repeated. Today’s procedure was worse than the first. The party, held in my honor was painful.

But, that’s all I’m going to say about that.

You are welcome!

In addition to that, I feel like I could pluck my eyes out with forks because SWEETMERCYTHEYITCHLIKEMAD.

As if that’s not enough, my sweet Alex has some sort of Summer Snot Croup that is causing fever, lack of appetite and sluggishness.

And if you know anything about Alex, you know that is not normal.

I busted out the nebulizer tonight, but I fear it was probably too late. I fully expect to be making a trip to the Dr’s office tomorrow. I am hopeful that I’m wrong.

McDaddy had planned a nice weekend for the two of us as a sort of late anniversary get-away, but sadly, it does not appear we will be able to slip off for the weekend. So, as you might guess I’m a little blah today.

Not my usual shiny, happy self who enjoys talking about the Saturn Sky and reality TV.

I’ll do my best to use what little bit of energy I have left to discuss the injustice taking place in Retail America.

Because you know, every now and again we need to actually learn something around here.

While shopping for school clothes last week with my sweet boys, I was again reminded of the meager offering in the boy’s department.

The girls department is filled with all manner of frills, sparkles, lights, hearts, dogs, bears, cats, stripes, polka-dots, plaid, short, long, tie-dye, hot pink, light pink, medium pink, barely pink, not pink at all and any other color you can imagine. Oh, and need I mention those hoochie mama Bratz doll shirts?

The boys department offers stripes, sports, CARS or super-heroes.

Seriously, it’s a disgrace.

The shoe department plays the same discrimination game.

I saw 437 pairs of little girl shoes that had me drooling and wishing that my baby-bearin’ days weren’t over.

Most of the stores we visited in our quest for the perfect tennis shoe for my boys did not offer EVEN ONE STINKIN PAIR of tennis shoes that fit my proverbial bill (easy to get on, elastic in lieu of strings for Alex, NO velcro, and affordable.)

After making our way to nine stores, we found these

And another pair just like these, except with red trim for Alex. I was thrilled because Stride Rite happened to be in the midst of their Buy-One-Get-One-Half-Off sale which means I was able to sqaunder some cash because mama needs some new shoes, too! The new shoes made Alex talk non-stop about how excited he is to start pre-school.

That boy loves shoes. I’m not sure where he gets that from.

Somewhere out there in Retailville, there is someone with the power to even the playing field.

Mamas like to dress little boys cute, too. Can I get an Amen?

I just don’t get it. It’s all very frustrating.

We did get a post-card from Stevie’s 1st grade teacher in the mail  today. She has big shoes to fill because his Kindergarten teacher was the best. (I had originally written the bomb, but erased it because I’m in my mid-thirties and shouldn’t be using the word ‘the bomb’ to describe a member of the teaching profession.) I hope he has another great year. His teacher, Mrs. P. happens to be the cousin of one of my best buddies and the teacher that I requested for my sweet boy just after being elected PTA President because hello? Shouldn’t being the PTA President have its perks?

Other than that, the day is almost done.

McDaddy is watching Bones.

Surprisingly I have never watched that show. As you might guess, they are talking about all manner of embalming a human body.

Which interests me because I am a freak weird like that and because I recently watched an embalming. It is a really cute show. Cute because I have laughed out loud several times. Not like Criminal Minds where I sit here on pins and needles wondering ‘who done it’ and hiding my eyes when they show the victim.

Unfortunately, I’d rather dig my eyes out than hide them.

OHMYGOSHTHEYITCH.

Ok, that’s all.

I apologize for all the randomness.

Enjoy your weekend, y’all.

What I learned this week….

Hmph….

I should probably call this post rambling all the way to nowhere.

Because for one, it is random rambling and for two, well, I’ll be rambling randomly. 

1. When left to my own devices with the iPhone, the laptop, the iTunes and my iPod, there is a pretty good chance that I will frig something up all of the Casting Crowns songs will somehow get deleted from my iTunes library and iPhone and that somehow all but 32 songs will somehow be removed from my iPhone.

That whole iScenerio left me shaking my head, wondering how in the heck I manage to keep two small children alive.

2. Thick, green snot that gets greener and thicker over the course of a weekend does indeed warrant a trip to the Pediatrician’s office for a probable sinus infection.

Your welcome.

3. I learned that even though I am thankful for secondary medical insurance, it is a pain in the patootie because most of the Doctors that we do business with will only bill one insurance. Luckily, I don’t mind administrative-type business. My OCD rocks the stack of EOBs and the required forms.

4. When you arrive home after a two-week vacation to discover that your hose nozzle is missing, that probably means that someone stole it. (I hope the sorry sap squirts himself in the face with it!)

5. Hose nozzles on the shelf at Sears range in price from $2.99 – $24.99. I can honestly say I had no idea how much a hose nozzle was until I went to the mall this evening. I saw no reason to spend a lot of money on something that will probably be stolen again. A hose nozzle? Seriously? 

6. The new honey-barbecue chicken wings at Wendys are delicious, however,  I think they are playing fast and loose with the whole wing thing. I think they are simply chicken nuggets lightly coated with some fabulous sauce.  I have not tried the Asain or the Bold buffalo because I am loyal. If I find something that I like, I stick with it.

7. The Wendy’s kid’s meals audiobook is the best thing since sliced bread. For some reason, my boys enjoy listening to that monotone woman reading a book about the ancient olympics, or dingos (which Stevie informs me are wild, Australian dogs.)

And, who am I to question peace in the vehicle.

8. The new Tagalong blizzard at Dairy Queen is also delicious. Or so I hear.

I guess its obvious that my kitchen has not seen much action this week.

9. If you are trying to decide on a color for vinyl siding for your home, and you are indecisive, it is probably best to visit the siding store to get a realistic idea of what your house will look like. None of the little square samples look the same as they would if they were hanging on the side of your house. Motivation to the tune of saving $575. will make your decision much easier.

10. There is not a copy of Jeremy Camp’s CD – “Speaking Louder Than Before”  on a store shelf within a 30-mile radius of my house.

11. I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it again, the magic eraser is the most useful cleaning product on the market.

12. Big Brother 11 is the best thing that’s happened to my TiVo all summer.

I think that’s it!

I told you it would be random.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by! Head on over to Musings of a Housewife, for more What I Learned This Week posts.